Indians and Unsolicited Advice: A Love Story
You walk into a room full of relatives, it’s been a long time since you last saw your favorite cousin. Everyone is excited to meet one another and celebrate. As you walk to your aunts and uncles and greet them, they welcome you with their decade-old, affectionate “You’ve gained, haven’t you?” In the blink of an eye, the mood changes. It’s not as fun anymore. “Have I gained weight? Do I look less attractive? I’m not having lunch today, salad for dinner, no dessert.” Previous thoughts of enjoying with your cousin have been overshadowed by looking at your belly and contemplating meals.
Such is the power of an unsolicited opinion. So what really counts as an opinion? Just about anything that can or cannot be substantiated by fact. The American Psychological Association sums it up in 3 words: attitudes, beliefs or judgement. These range from simple ideas of the word “God” to complex debates such as whether the earth is round or flat. While these don’t seem problematic, there is a certain downside to opinions that are unsolicited. These refer to those suggestions or points of view that are not asked for. The advice or opinion that is uninvited usually has a negative trace to it. This ranges from body-shaming to comments on one’s educational qualifications.
What makes an unsolicited opinion unacceptable or rude is its ability to hurt the other person. There are certain boundaries that need to be respected or else they result in mental distress and lowered self-esteem or concept. Not only that, Dr. Cynthia Thaik says research has shown that the reception of negative opinions and its resulting mood can actually weaken one’s immune system. To add to the woes, human beings have a tendency to think more about the flaws, which is known as negativity bias. According to psychologist Dr. Rick Hansen, the amygdala “uses about two-thirds of its neurons to look for bad news. Once it sounds the alarm, negative events and experiences get quickly stored in memory, in contrast to positive events and experiences, which usually need to be held in awareness for a dozen or more seconds to transfer from short-term memory buffers to long-term storage.” This could explain both: why people point out insecurities in opinions and why we receive them more intensely.
Indian culture has a special place in its heart for unrequested advice. Hypocrisy crosses all bounds when neighbors and relatives explain why the arts are a waste of time or what dietary habits one must adopt. Over a cup of tea. With their samosas and sandwiches lathered with trans fats. Being aliens to the education system. What makes these even more interesting is the facade of affection and concern that is put forward while demeaning the other. Every culture has its own tradition to celebrate kids’ high school graduation. Indians follow the tradition of badgering every child they’ve ever known into confessing their grades, the good is envied, the bad is better but the ugly, that’s the most exciting part.
Now that it is well-established that these opinions are hurtful and affect mental wellbeing, the question then arises: Who engages in such an activity?
A person who believes him/herself to be superior to those around him/her. There is no doubt that unsolicited advice would come from someone who believes they have the power to boss one around. This would be someone who wants to establish her/himself as the alpha. Usually, people who are compulsive, controlling and dominating are the ones that indulge in the nosy activity that is providing suggestions unasked for.
Relationships also play a key role. A research article by Bo Feng and Eran Magen reveals that there exists a positive correlation between closeness and unsolicited advice. Hence, people are more likely to provide opinions that are unwanted when they feel closer to the other. (Feng & Magen, n.d., 751–767) But when has that stopped your next-door neighbour from asking you about the boy you’re seeing or where you graduated from or how much you’re earning?
While you may be absolutely fed up with the judgy people around you, there’s no denying the fact that when you meet a friend or two, or maybe just in your head, you too indulge in the activity of what is subtly called “harmless gossip.” Be it talking about someone’s love life, financial situation, quirks or simply their job, there are opinions and advice that do find their way to your mind. This paradox, then, raises another question: Why do people provide unsolicited advice?
When one is already aware of its negative impact, why would s/he do something to hurt a fellow individual? The answer is simple: self-love! When someone wants to feel superior, more privileged, they let the other person down. This ultimately results in the Dunning-Kruger effect which states that people with low ability perceive themselves to be more able than others. Another benefit of engaging in this activity is forgetting one’s own problems and shortcomings by magnifying the other’s flaws.
Let us assume these opinions don’t harm the individual. Do they, in any way, result in a positive change? As anticipated, the answer is no. Among many is a study in the Indian context which reveals that academic pressure from key figures like parents can lower the perceived autonomy and perceived competence of the children, hence proving our point. (Srivastava, Abhishek. (2017). Impact of Parental Pressure on Academic Achievement. 7.)
Finally, after this entire concept is proven to be insensitive and useless but sadly ever-present, how do you stop practicing this?
First of all, it is vital to value one’s own opinion. Your advice is not a flyer to the bake sale or a box of cookies that you hand out as part of your routine. Secondly, it is important to put oneself in the other’s position and understand what it would feel like being on the other side of the equation. The age-old “Think before you speak” isn’t a hoax, it’s quite helpful.
Finally, what to do as a recipient of this advice? In through one ear, out through another (as long as it’s destructive!). One mustn’t get affected by what others say.
Remember: An opinion is like an appendix: everyone has one, doesn’t mean it’s useful!
